Preventing Infidelity - It is all about you!

I can find articles, video's, workshops, antidotes, etc. for preventing infidelity in bookstores, on the internet, on television, etc. but the rate of infidelity in marriage is 60% for men and 40% for women. All of these resources both Christian and non-Christian talk about things that are wonderful and that need to be done to facilitate healthy marriages like the following sample list:

1. Make your relationship with your spouse your top priority in the hierarchy involving family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and others.

2. Nurture the emotional intimacy in your marriage.

3. Show appreciation on a regular basis.

4. Spend time together doing fun things and just “hanging out.”

5. Keep your sex life active.

6. Discuss and resolve issues as they come up.

7. Talk about the problem of infidelity and know that it can strike any marriage.

8. Share goals for the present and future that inspire you.

9. Make wise decisions about contact with the opposite sex at work and other settings.

10. Know the danger signals.

11. Celebrate your love, anniversaries, birthdays, and other special occasions.

12. Support each other’s goals.

There is nothing wrong with any of these things and they do contribute to creating a strong marriage but they WON'T prevent infidelity. In 20 years of doing marriage counseling I think I can venture to speak as an expert here. Infidelity has nothing to do with opportunity or availability or the other spouse. YES that is what I said. NOTHING!

I have worked with many couples and individuals that had absolutely fantastic committed spouses and from what I could see nothing really wrong with the marriage except the person that is cheating choosing to interpret typical and normal marriage issues and stages as their excuse for being unfaithful. Of course the one cheating wants to find a scapegoat and who is most convenient........AND WE HELP THEM DO IT! "If only you had......." becomes the mantra. Please don't let someone you know turn a committed spouse into the victim by making it their fault. I have also worked with many many couples and individuals that had spouses that were as mean and ugly as they could be (actually emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically abusive) and that person's spouse did not cheat even though they could have created many opportunities and may have wanted too. They certainly needed some emotional support. WHY DIDN'T THEY CHEAT! Because being faithful is about character and values and a mindset that says when you get married you have one person that you allow to be the object of romantic and sexual feelings. If an attraction happens and it will from time to time no matter how good your marriage is. Gary Chapman calls them "the tingles" in the Love Languages material. If you have the right mindset you go the other direction if you don't have the right mindset you tease yourself and the other person with the attraction and start down a very dangerous path. But, You are making that decision and your spouse has nothing to do with it. Even though you may later find all kinds of reasons to blame them for that decision the attraction you felt is completely biological, even genetic...... research proves it. It has nothing to do with the health of your marriage. And to prevent it don't go to the store, to church, to your child's sport's events, to work, serve on a committee at church, have couple friends, serve on PTO committees. In other words move into a monastery or a convent! What you do with the attraction is your decision and that is moral and spiritual. Don't blame anyone but yourself.

Again, Infidelity has nothing to do with availability or opportunity...... It is ALL ABOUT YOU!