We tend to erroneously believe that happy, stable couples:
• Never argue
• Are not dependent on one another
• Both want sex equally
• Never get angry
• Get all their needs met
• Share responsibilities equally
• Never feel lonely
• Always agree
• Think alike
• Never get bored
• Always know what the other wants
• Resolve all their problems.
In reality NONE OF THESE STATEMENTS IS TRUE! Happy, stable couples experience all of the above they just have a different set of expectations and know how to create the love they want…….
What makes marriages work is not a secret. We now have a high degree of certainty about what makes marriages work—and what doesn’t work.
We also know that the “in-love feeling” doesn’t last—you have to make it last.
Love goes through predictable cycles and that each has unique characteristics and purpose. Until we understand the nature of love, we are destined to live in a state of disappointment and disillusionment.
The Stages of a love relationship are: Infatuation, Post Rapture, Discovery, Connection.
Stage One - Infatuation
When we fall in love, we believe we’ve found our soul mate. Suddenly, we see life in Technicolor. We nibble each others’ ears and tell each other everything; our limitations and rigidities melt away. We’re sexier, smarter, funnier, more giving. We decide that we can’t live without our beloved, for now we feel whole, we feel like ourselves. For awhile we are able to relax. Finally we feel safe, and breathe a sigh of
relieved deliverance. It looks like everything is going to turn out all right, after all.
• Infatuation - is simply “mother nature as God has created it at her finest”
When you are infatuated with someone you are in fact only experiencing a DNA Dance. It has nothing to do with love even though we tend to experience this as “in love” feelings and believe that this experience will “last forever.
The DNA Dance goes like this….. a part of your brain called the Limbic System is flooded with a powerful chemical concoction that scientist now believe is a bona fide, altered state of consciousness. We call this the Love Molecule and it was discovered by Michael Liebowitz, a research psychiatrist at the New York State Psychiatric Institute. The Love Molecule is made up of
i. PEA – Phyenylethylamine
ii. Dopamine
iii. Norepinephrine
• Symptoms of this “in love” state include a delightfully positive attitude, increased energy, decreased need for sleep, and loss of appetite, heightened interest, lowering of defenses, increased libido, Euphoria – increased concentrations of dopamine, Exhilaration, excessive energy, and other excitatory responses – norephinephrine which is chemically derived from dopamine.
Infatuation is nature’s way of getting us to mate with a preferred partner. But the truth is this…. not everyone we have this attraction for translates into relationship compatibility.
In fact when infatuation ends... and it will you will move into the next phase of the relationship
Stage Two - Post Rapture/Disillusionment
This is where true love can finally begin if a couple will let it. But often disillusionment turns to anger, fueled by fear that we won’t survive without the love and safety that was within our grasp during the Infatuation Stage. Since our partner is no longer willingly giving us what we need, we change tactics, trying to maneuver our partners into caring—through anger, crying, withdrawal, shame, intimidation, criticism—whatever works. We will make them love us. Now we negotiate—for time, love, chores, gifts—measuring our success against an economic
yardstick of profit and loss. “Marriages are supposed to be 50-50 aren’t they?” The power struggle has begun, and may go on for many years, until we split, or we settle into an uneasy truce, or until we seek help, desperate to feel alive and whole again, to have our dream back.
There is a natural state of neutrality that sets in between two people after they have been together for a period of time. What are the signs of post rapture?
Signs of Post Rapture
• Return to prior interests
• More rational thinking
• More inclusion of other people
• Less exclusivity
• Less sexual intensity
• Return to prior relationship styles
If you don’t like this stage, there is a quick fix. Go back and do what you did in the Infatuation Stage. One person can transform a relationship! If you change your behavior, the relationship cannot stay the same
However, most of us don’t want to do this. We want the euphoria of infatuation while getting on with our life.
There are some challenges common to the Post-Rapture Stage that can’t be solved by going back to the practices of infatuation.
o The Lazy Libido – common sign of the Post-Rapture Stage
o Pursuer/Withdrawal pattern begins
Once the defenses return...Pursuers start to pursue, distancers start to distance, which makes the pursuer pursue even more, Which makes
the distancer distance even more.
Pursuers
• Tend to talk more
• Ask more questions
• Highly sensitive to any form of rejection
• Focuses on negatives not positives
• Has difficulty taking in positive reinforcement
• Often seen as insatiable
Distancers
• Withdraw
• Stonewall
• Resist
• Give little information
• Are highly sensitive to any form of control
• Often quite rational
• Look more together
The challenge of the Post-Rapture Stage is to
• Get the pursuer to shut up
• Get the distancer to show up
If the Pursuer and Distancer can learn from one another...They won’t stay long in the Post-Rapture Stage but will move on to the wonderful journey through the Discovery and Connection stages.
HOLD ON. THERE IS HOPE.
Real Love happens in the Discovery and Connection Stages!
Imago Relationship Therapy enables couples to reconnect to the love which originally brought them together in order to become the real love of your dreams. By understanding the deeper processes of attraction, couples learn how they fit as a couple and come to appreciate difference.
There are several facts about love that no one bothers to teach us. The first thing is that love isn’t enough in and of itself. A satisfying relationship takes work and the highs and lows are a vital part of that process. The attraction or infatuation phase of the relationship is simply a stage and will end. Love is an ever changing process and what you do is more important than what you feel. But we are taught in our culture that love is ALL about feelings……. That is simply not true and it sets us up for a very frustrating and unfulfilling journey. Love is a response to getting your needs met and meeting the needs of your spouse. Love is a decision. Happiness is actually the ratio between what you expect and what you get and you typically get what you give so making the relationship a priority is a key to long-term happiness. If you believe your relationship can be successful it will be because we have this thing called confirmation bias.
Confirmation Bias: We tend to pay more attention to information consistent with our beliefs. Therefore if you hold a negative belief and have no facts to offset this perception, subsequent thoughts tend to follow that point of view. So you create the love you want….. or you prevent it by your own bias…..
Using a process called dialogue, communication becomes safe and respectful, again, and what had become disillusionment is transformed into respectful re-connection of meeting each other’s needs. In order for dreams to become real love Imago Relationship Therapy helps
couples:
• Become a safe, healing presence for each other
• Understand each other with validation, empathy and love rather than anger
• Take responsibility for their own feelings
• Approach conflict as an opportunity for healing and growth
• Deepen intimacy, passion and joy
• Rediscover their partner’s love language through caring behaviors
Don’t give up on your relationship….. heal it! You will be back in this same place in your next relationship so why not fix this one.
Primary source: The Truth about Love by Patricia Love
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