Do you think you were unfaithful because your husband or wife wasn't .........? Do you think it is your job to keep your husband or wife faithful by managing avalibility for contact with the opposite sex? Infidelity has nothing to do with the other spouse or with availability or opportunity. I can find articles, video's, workshops, antidotes, etc. for preventing infidelity in bookstores, on the internet, on television, etc. but the rate of infidelity in marriage is 60% for men and 40% for women. All of these resources both Christian and non-Christian talk about things that are wonderful and that need to be done to facilitate healthy marriages like the following sample list: 1. Make your relationship with your spouse your top priority in the hierarchy involving family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and others. 2. Nurture the emotional intimacy in your marriage. 3. Show appreciation on a regular basis. 4. Spend time together doing fun things and just “hanging out.” 5. Keep your sex life active. 6. Discuss and resolve issues as they come up. 7. Talk about the problem of infidelity and know that it can strike any marriage. 8. Share goals for the present and future that inspire you. 9. Make wise decisions about contact with the opposite sex at work and other settings. 10. Know the danger signals. 11. Celebrate your love, anniversaries, birthdays, and other special occasions. 12. Support each other’s goals. There is nothing wrong with any of these things and they do contribute to creating a strong marriage but they WON'T prevent infidelity. In 20 years of doing marriage counseling I think I can venture to speak as an expert here. Infidelity has nothing to do with opportunity or availability or the other spouse. YES that is what I said. NOTHING! I have worked with many couples and individuals that had absolutely fantastic committed spouses and from what I could see nothing really wrong with the marriage except the person that is cheating choosing to interpret typical and normal marriage issues and stages as their excuse for being unfaithful. Of course the one cheating wants to find a scapegoat and who is most convenient........AND WE HELP THEM DO IT! "If only you had......." becomes the mantra. Please don't let someone you know turn a committed spouse into the victim by making it their fault. I have also worked with many many couples and individuals that had spouses that were as mean and ugly as they could be (actually emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically abusive) and that person's spouse did not cheat even though they could have created many opportunities and may have wanted too. They certainly needed some emotional support. WHY DIDN'T THEY CHEAT! Because being faithful is about character and values and a mindset that says when you get married you have one person that you allow to be the object of romantic and sexual feelings. If an attraction happens and it will from time to time no matter how good your marriage is. Gary Chapman calls them "the tingles" in the Love Languages material. If you have the right mindset you go the other direction if you don't have the right mindset you tease yourself and the other person with the attraction and start down a very dangerous path. But, You are making that decision and your spouse has nothing to do with it. Even though you may later find all kinds of reasons to blame them for that decision the attraction you felt is completely biological, even genetic...... research proves it. It has nothing to do with the health of your marriage. And to prevent it don't go to the store, to church, to your child's sport's events, to work, serve on a committee at church, have couple friends, serve on PTO committees. In other words move into a monastery or a convent! What you do with the attraction is your decision and that is moral and spiritual. Don't blame anyone but yourself. Again, Infidelity has nothing to do with availability or opportunity...... It is ALL ABOUT YOU! This is a rewrite of a previous blog in 2009.

Are husbands really assholes or do wives just think they are

Women - this is an important article for you.

There is a conversation that started with some guys in The Good Men Project—in person, by phone, via email—where men were asked to talk deeply and honestly about their marriage. What came out was startling: there is despair in the voices of married men. The refrain heard over and over is some variation of “I want to have a good marriage. I love my wife. But sometimes, all I feel is resentment—from my wife, toward my wife, toward the marriage. I believe my wife thinks I am an asshole, and she treats me as such.”

Read this Article: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/are-husbands-really-assholes-or-do-wives-just-think-they-are/


Interesting and from my experience quite true!

Pornography Destroys Marriages

As a marriage counselor for 23 years I have watched marriages become more and more devastated by the impact of pornography. The information explosion from the internet has turned the use of pornography into an epidemic. Read the article at the link below. Do not be fooled into thinking that what your spouse does not know won't hurt your relationship!

http://goodmenproject.com/health/how-porn-can-ruin-your-sex-life-and-your-marriage/

Paradigm Shift

Important Message for Christians!

I woke up this morning thinking about this passage in Mark 9.

38"Teacher," said John, "we saw a man driving out demons in your name and we told him to stop, because he was not one of us." 39"Do not stop him," Jesus said. "No one who does a miracle in my name can in the next moment say anything bad about me, 40for whoever is not against us is for us. 41I tell you the truth, anyone who gives you a cup of water in my name because you belong to Christ will certainly not lose his reward.

and another one in Romans 4

4Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.

As a Christian one of my goals in life is to treat other people with respect and grace. I believe it is important for each of us to be careful about criticizing other people, especially other Christians. I have a sweet young lady very close to me that reminds me when I do this. (Often) There is too much as Christians that we agree on and that part that we agree on is VERY IMPORTANT! Let's let the main thing be the main thing. Scripture commands us to love one another.

John 13:34-36 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

It is so easy to focus on what I am against rather than what I am for! This tells me to be careful about my attitude and how it might effect my ministry, my behavior, my words, and my deeds. I pray that my Lord will forgive me when I have forgotten this and keep me faithful to this call. I cannot tell you how many clients I have seen over the last 20 years that have left the church because all they heard was what people were against. It wasn't easy to get them to risk going back. It ought not to be that way. They didn't see love, nor did they feel it. We need to change that.

"Now don't miss-interpret this and think that I am not against anything" :) However I think those of you that know me well know better!"

Love you... have a great day.

Do you want to know the truth about love? And how you can make it last forever?

We tend to erroneously believe that happy, stable couples:

• Never argue
• Are not dependent on one another
• Both want sex equally
• Never get angry
• Get all their needs met
• Share responsibilities equally
• Never feel lonely
• Always agree
• Think alike
• Never get bored
• Always know what the other wants
• Resolve all their problems.

In reality NONE OF THESE STATEMENTS IS TRUE! Happy, stable couples experience all of the above they just have a different set of expectations and know how to create the love they want…….

What makes marriages work is not a secret. We now have a high degree of certainty about what makes marriages work—and what doesn’t work.

We also know that the “in-love feeling” doesn’t last—you have to make it last.

Love goes through predictable cycles and that each has unique characteristics and purpose. Until we understand the nature of love, we are destined to live in a state of disappointment and disillusionment.

The Stages of a love relationship are: Infatuation, Post Rapture, Discovery, Connection.

Stage One - Infatuation

When we fall in love, we believe we’ve found our soul mate. Suddenly, we see life in Technicolor. We nibble each others’ ears and tell each other everything; our limitations and rigidities melt away. We’re sexier, smarter, funnier, more giving. We decide that we can’t live without our beloved, for now we feel whole, we feel like ourselves. For awhile we are able to relax. Finally we feel safe, and breathe a sigh of
relieved deliverance. It looks like everything is going to turn out all right, after all.

• Infatuation - is simply “mother nature as God has created it at her finest”

When you are infatuated with someone you are in fact only experiencing a DNA Dance. It has nothing to do with love even though we tend to experience this as “in love” feelings and believe that this experience will “last forever.

The DNA Dance goes like this….. a part of your brain called the Limbic System is flooded with a powerful chemical concoction that scientist now believe is a bona fide, altered state of consciousness. We call this the Love Molecule and it was discovered by Michael Liebowitz, a research psychiatrist at the New York State Psychiatric Institute. The Love Molecule is made up of
i. PEA – Phyenylethylamine
ii. Dopamine
iii. Norepinephrine

• Symptoms of this “in love” state include a delightfully positive attitude, increased energy, decreased need for sleep, and loss of appetite, heightened interest, lowering of defenses, increased libido, Euphoria – increased concentrations of dopamine, Exhilaration, excessive energy, and other excitatory responses – norephinephrine which is chemically derived from dopamine.

Infatuation is nature’s way of getting us to mate with a preferred partner. But the truth is this…. not everyone we have this attraction for translates into relationship compatibility.

In fact when infatuation ends... and it will you will move into the next phase of the relationship

Stage Two - Post Rapture/Disillusionment

This is where true love can finally begin if a couple will let it. But often disillusionment turns to anger, fueled by fear that we won’t survive without the love and safety that was within our grasp during the Infatuation Stage. Since our partner is no longer willingly giving us what we need, we change tactics, trying to maneuver our partners into caring—through anger, crying, withdrawal, shame, intimidation, criticism—whatever works. We will make them love us. Now we negotiate—for time, love, chores, gifts—measuring our success against an economic
yardstick of profit and loss. “Marriages are supposed to be 50-50 aren’t they?” The power struggle has begun, and may go on for many years, until we split, or we settle into an uneasy truce, or until we seek help, desperate to feel alive and whole again, to have our dream back.

There is a natural state of neutrality that sets in between two people after they have been together for a period of time. What are the signs of post rapture?

Signs of Post Rapture
• Return to prior interests
• More rational thinking
• More inclusion of other people
• Less exclusivity
• Less sexual intensity
• Return to prior relationship styles

If you don’t like this stage, there is a quick fix. Go back and do what you did in the Infatuation Stage. One person can transform a relationship! If you change your behavior, the relationship cannot stay the same

However, most of us don’t want to do this. We want the euphoria of infatuation while getting on with our life.

There are some challenges common to the Post-Rapture Stage that can’t be solved by going back to the practices of infatuation.
o The Lazy Libido – common sign of the Post-Rapture Stage
o Pursuer/Withdrawal pattern begins
Once the defenses return...Pursuers start to pursue, distancers start to distance, which makes the pursuer pursue even more, Which makes
the distancer distance even more.
Pursuers
• Tend to talk more
• Ask more questions
• Highly sensitive to any form of rejection
• Focuses on negatives not positives
• Has difficulty taking in positive reinforcement
• Often seen as insatiable

Distancers
• Withdraw
• Stonewall
• Resist
• Give little information
• Are highly sensitive to any form of control
• Often quite rational
• Look more together

The challenge of the Post-Rapture Stage is to
• Get the pursuer to shut up
• Get the distancer to show up

If the Pursuer and Distancer can learn from one another...They won’t stay long in the Post-Rapture Stage but will move on to the wonderful journey through the Discovery and Connection stages.

HOLD ON. THERE IS HOPE.
Real Love happens in the Discovery and Connection Stages!
Imago Relationship Therapy enables couples to reconnect to the love which originally brought them together in order to become the real love of your dreams. By understanding the deeper processes of attraction, couples learn how they fit as a couple and come to appreciate difference.

There are several facts about love that no one bothers to teach us. The first thing is that love isn’t enough in and of itself. A satisfying relationship takes work and the highs and lows are a vital part of that process. The attraction or infatuation phase of the relationship is simply a stage and will end. Love is an ever changing process and what you do is more important than what you feel. But we are taught in our culture that love is ALL about feelings……. That is simply not true and it sets us up for a very frustrating and unfulfilling journey. Love is a response to getting your needs met and meeting the needs of your spouse. Love is a decision. Happiness is actually the ratio between what you expect and what you get and you typically get what you give so making the relationship a priority is a key to long-term happiness. If you believe your relationship can be successful it will be because we have this thing called confirmation bias.

Confirmation Bias: We tend to pay more attention to information consistent with our beliefs. Therefore if you hold a negative belief and have no facts to offset this perception, subsequent thoughts tend to follow that point of view. So you create the love you want….. or you prevent it by your own bias…..
Using a process called dialogue, communication becomes safe and respectful, again, and what had become disillusionment is transformed into respectful re-connection of meeting each other’s needs. In order for dreams to become real love Imago Relationship Therapy helps
couples:
• Become a safe, healing presence for each other
• Understand each other with validation, empathy and love rather than anger
• Take responsibility for their own feelings
• Approach conflict as an opportunity for healing and growth
• Deepen intimacy, passion and joy
• Rediscover their partner’s love language through caring behaviors
Don’t give up on your relationship….. heal it! You will be back in this same place in your next relationship so why not fix this one.


Primary source: The Truth about Love by Patricia Love

Would you like to move your marriage from Conflict to Connection. Watch this!

I have been doing Imago Therapy for about 20 years now and if there is anything I know as a therapist it is this. Healthy relationships are created and couples often go from one relationship to another trying to find the relationship they want never realizing that it is available to them, in fact at their finger tips if they will only grow up and into the relationship of their dreams. I would invite you on what has been called a "proactive mission" to create the love you want! Many couples today have embraced couples' education and couples' therapy with the intention of "protecting what they have." By becoming sacred guardians of our relationships, we can make a good relationship the very best it can be, reaching its highest potential. We simply want more of what we gratefully already have. If you are in a marriage that is not doing well right now realize that you can indeed create what you don't have but want. You can have a vibrant, excited, passionate marriage...... let me show you how. But in the meantime watch.......



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRg7wQAykWo